woman hesitates, but life urges
personal updates, 2023, an identity crisis? what else could there be!
So much of any year is flammable,
lists of vegetables, partial poems.
Orange swirling flame of days,
so little is a stone.— Excerpt from Burning the Old Year by Naomi Shihab Nye
Ever since I started Eating Is a Feeling, I’m not too sure what this Substack is supposed to be anymore. But then again, I didn’t have any other intentions for this other than use it the way I did with my Tinyletter or any of the blogs I’ve had since I was old enough to be on the internet.
It feels a little awkward because an email newsletter feels like it needs a purpose. Feelings are for blogs where you can scroll right past when you’re not really in the mood. But then again, how many unread emails go straight into the bin? If you are reading this, know that I appreciate you deeply, even if this particular Substack doesn’t serve any particular content or purpose other than… Documenting my life, which makes this close to a blog I suppose.
I was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which explains so, so much about my life. I’m a light sleeper because my body is constantly in fight-or-flight mode from chronic stress. My once-a-year need to consume old content (when I was 12, it was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, at 31, it’s Fire Emblem Three Houses, Blue Lions route) points to my need for predictability, security, and stability.
Speaking of 12, that was also the age I made my first blog, which means I’ve spent more than half of my life writing about my feelings on the internet. Two decades this year. That’s actually insane! My blogs could literally be old enough to be college seniors! Or jobless fresh graduates.
Writing has always been a way to walk away from the edge. It’s taken me this long to realize this. I’ll complain on Twitter and bemoan the writing process, but I know deep down that I love writing. It’s the only other activity where I’ve experienced what others call flow (the other was hiking, a time and energy-consuming activity I’d return to in a heartbeat if I did have the time or the energy to do so). I love thinking about how I’m going to say something. The length and cadence of a sentence. Should I try making it into a question? Or, perhaps, scrapping the entire thing and beginning again. When I’m writing, it feels like incarceration, but when I’m not writing I feel so restless and barren. I’ll cry, kick, scream, gnash my teeth, and wail, and I’ll do it all over again.
That being said, I don’t know what this Substack is supposed to be. For now, it’s a place for me to write until we all move back to Livejournal or Tumblr or something. Perhaps I’m a dying breed and maybe oblivion is what I deserve, but till then, I’ll keep writing. If you’re reading, know that that is already everything to me.
Anyway, some updates on my end:
✍️ Got to publish a few things this quarter:
Eater’s Where To Eat 2023: Manila (still such a dream to me)
Newsletter: Eating Is a Feeling (with a cute new logo by Bj)
a feature on Ito Space in Legazpi Village
a Q&A with artist photographer Wawi Navarroza
🏡 We’re hiring a designer at And A Half, and low-key extending the deadline to the weekend.
🐦 A Twitter QRT I wanted to do, but ended up deleting. Eight songs to describe me:
Blue Light, Bloc Party
Frug, Rilo Kiley
Party (feat. Andre 3000), Beyoncé
Alejandro, Lady Gaga
7/4 Shoreline, Broken Social Scene
It’s Gonna Rain!, Bonnie Pink
Carnival, The Cardigans
SOUL LADY, Yukika
Writing in chains or not writing at all,
Toni